What nine months does for the embryo
Forty early mornings
Will do for your growing awareness
Jelaluddin Rumi

Yesterday I completed my commitment to forty days of consecutive meditation and yoga. I was inspired by a woman from Boise Idaho who started Winter Feast for the Soul. I wanted to jump-start my spiritual practice, and I knew I would have a higher success rate if i joined 10,000 other people around the world who had also made the commitment. I threw yoga in for “fun”. I thought – how hard could it possibly be to get really conscious every day? I posted my goal on my Facebook page for accountability and support.

The type of meditation I practice is called Vipassana, which is a fancy word for mindfulness meditation. This is essentially the practice of being an observer of yourself, your mind and your actions without judgment, but with complete neutrality and acceptance. The type of yoga I do is typically Bikram Yoga in a room over 100 degrees. Think Gumby in a lulu lemon outfit!

I don’t own a television and pride myself on not putting junk into my body or mind (all that often, anyway.) However, this 40-day commitment to mindfulness pushed every resistance button in my body. I realized on day 3 how much the monkey-mind/ego takes over directing thoughts, and keeps us from just being neutral. Complete stories will be crafted by the mind if left un-checked. So, I checked mine into a mental hospital! Actually, I asked for help. I prayed (more like begged) for neutrality and a peaceful mind. One fine morning, it actually happened, complete bliss. No thoughts, no judgments, just bliss for a very few precious moments. Thank God, literally, because after being out of practice for a while, I needed to know it was possible again. I needed a sign.

In the 40-day window, some extraordinary things (not all good) happened.

Letting go of attachment: First of all, I decided to put my beautiful floating home on the market. It’s a wonderful place, but it’s a skin I’ve outgrown after living here for 12 years. I felt like it no longer gave me room to grow and, therefore, might actually be holding me back. This was not a new thought, it just persisted more this time (perhaps because I was meditating every day, giving those thoughts room to expand and direct my spirit).  Instead of preparing my house to sell, I prepared my house for the next owner.  It was a subtle, but important distinction. I took care to enhance the nurturing qualities of the home and fix what I could. I hoped that a potential new owner would feel how the houseboat literally hugs you when you walk in the door. It’s a sanctuary in the city and I’ve always loved it here. With the conscious choice to let go, the house went on the market on February 19th. I received an offer on February 20th. Yes, in one day and in this economy. The power of intention and attention was palpable. The woman who is buying my home is exactly my age and fell in love with it, just as I did 12 years ago. I feel very good handing the baton of responsibility for this sanctuary over to her to cherish for as long as she needs it.

Saying goodbye: The second thing that happened was a terrible tragedy among our floating home community. We lost a dear friend and her 3-month old baby, both within a 12-hour period. There still aren’t words to describe the emotional loss that all of us feel. The only “good” that can be found in a situation like this was the community that stepped forward to help those left behind. Hearts emerged to start the grieving; hands emerged to get things done. Time to heal is all that we have left.

Added to these physical and emotional transitions were all the earthquakes and unhealthy healthcare debates, and a general state of unrest. I wanted desperately to abandon my commitment to daily meditation and yoga, and I certainly had good excuses that anyone would understand. But, I stopped to think about that. What is it in us that wants to go unconscious when things get painful? Why is it we want to unplug, numb out and eat poorly when it’s the most important time of all to be conscious, feel the pain, and share our common humanity? I know intellectually that if I feel it, it will pass through me like a cloud passing overhead. It will revisit, but each time it won’t stay quite as long. I know this intellectually, but what kept me going was the emotional support from my friends on Facebook, my accountability team who said “you can do it” even when I didn’t think I could, or more accurately, when I just didn’t want to. I would walk into meetings at work and people following my status updates would say, “It’s day 18 today, isn’t it? How’s it going?” Wow. People were paying attention and cared about my progress. It inspired them to start their own program and gave them confidence that they could, so I couldn’t possibly quit.

Each day that I kept doing yoga and meditation felt like I was making a statement that “no, I will not go unconscious.” Too many people are unconscious which is why we have such a mess to clean up in our country.  Sometimes I cried in the middle of yoga, grieving for my lost friend and her husband left behind.  Some days, after yoga and meditation, I allowed myself to go unconscious. I started watching episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives (gasp!) on Hulu.com at night while I carbo-loaded on cereal.  I had to be okay with allowing this, resist the judgment, but keep the awareness. This is not WHO I am. This is WHAT I’m doing, in this moment, to avoid feeling. The avoidance of pain and conflict is a primal instinct, and sometimes we just have to let the primate win. And then begin again tomorrow, hoping the adult, wise, emotionally intelligent self will be back in the driver’s seat.

At the end of the experiment, I meditated 39 days out of 40. It’s actually good I didn’t complete all 40. It keeps my “perfectionista” in check. She’s based in ego, but my soul is driving the bus now, thank you very much. Her fuel is daily meditation, writing, yoga, emotional connection with friends when we are in pain and when we aren’t. She’s fed by doing work that matters in the world, expansion, expression, letting go of the old even if it’s uncomfortable. She heals by feeling the deep, incredible loss of a friend and then moving forward even when momentum feels nearly impossible.

Going unconscious is easy; we have created a world of consumption that has dumbed us down and numbed us out. Doing the work to stay awake and emotionally connected in this world is hard, especially when there is so much tragedy and so many distractions. That’s what we are here to do, and we are so much stronger when we do it in community.

With love and respect to those in transition, and those learning to hear and honor their souls, and with gratitude to Facebook, the surprising source of support I received literally and virtually every day.